Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Are you ready for kids?

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this
would wake a child at night.

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to
be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug
on the floor.

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for
5 years. Look cheerful.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of
chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake
along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try
not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them
for a while.

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for
the last time.